Listen closely, dears and I
will tell you some things about long ago, that you may not have known. First
off, in the olden days, and by olden I mean really olden, men and women did not
marry for love. Nope. It wasn’t all Cave man drags women away, but we’ve all
heard how the men would hunt, and the poor women would stay home and do pretty
much nothing because of the kids.
Nice theory, but not exactly
true. First off there was a lot of foraging to be done, and the women did most
of that. In fact, women with kids did every bit as much as the women without.
Men did too. It was way more important to figure out how to get veggies and
grains and eggs than it was to hunt the wooly mammoth. We may have been
mislead, those of us who read Clan of the Cave Bear. When they did go our
hunting meat, everyone helped.
I am possibly late to the
party here but Stephanie Coontz is a fantastic writer. She also appeared on the
Colbert Report, which makes her a rock star in my book. (Of course I’ll link, she was awesome.) I like the way she writes. She’s entertaining, and has a lot
of good points. Her book, “Marriage, A History” was selected as one of the best
books of 2005, by the Washington Post, and contrary to most books one is forced
to read in college, a wonderful read.
I’ve only read the first two
chapters so far, as we’re getting it online in bits and pieces, but I’ve
ordered the thing. She may be my new favorite author.
Did you know that for most of
history it was inconceivable that men and women would choose their own mates?
Or that marriage would be based on something so silly, fragile and fleeting and
irrational as love? Of course you did, you’re a well read bunch.
We learn as well that in 12th
century France Andreas Capellanus wrote that “Marriage is no real excuse for
not loving” only he wasn’t talking about inside of marriage, he meant adultery.
Coontz also tells us that as late as the 18th century a French
essayist wrote that any man who was in love with his wife was a man so dull no
one else could love him.
She talks about Pepys too,
earning more of my esteem. I’ve read bits and pieces of Pepys (the man who
wrote down everything) , Pepys
married for love, only sadly, it ended badly and he wrote, after a night out at
a musical concert that it “did stir my soul so it made him sick, just as I have
been formally in love with my wife” Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, I think
it means he came to his senses thinking how on earth could I have been so
stupid to marry for something like love!?!
He later disinherited his nephew for doing the same. Good ‘ol Pepys.
Historically, love was often
seen as something that might come after marriage, but certainly not a good
reason to marry. There were more important things going on like land, money, dowry,
and parents (read: men) were thought to have a better idea of who youths should
marry.
We in these modern times
think that marriage should be based on love, soul mates, commitment, passion
and so on and so forth. But this, my friends, is kind of a radical new idea. At
least historically speaking.
Tell me some stories, what of
love, what of marriage, I know you know history, and so, speak to me of strange
and wonderful things, tales of adventure, and answer the question:
Does love have any place in marriage?
Are we better off now that in those olden days?
