We had a lecture this week on Conflict Resolution within couple relationships. Or anyone, really. And I started thinking about myself (we call it “reflecting” and here in Family Studies Skool we do this ALL THE TIME) and how I handle conflict. It reminded me of something the wise and wonderful Betsy Stemple once said, when we were roommates. She said:
When we fight, you and I, or Adam and I, we’re having a fight about did you take out the trash, or what are you doing, and it it means THAT is what we’re arguing over. It doesn’t mean: Do I love you, do you love me. Growing up in an alcoholic household fights were always about something else, and you never knew exactly what. It’s not like that with normal people. We disagree, we argue. But we still love each other and it’s never going to be about that.
Changed everything for me, I can tell you that.
I think when one grows up with an alcoholic, conflict is deadly. You never do know exactly what you did wrong, or what the reason people were suddenly angry with you was. There’s a few different ways adult children of alcoholics handle conflict when grown, and if one is lucky, or learns, it’s healthily. We need to learn to think, chill, and laugh. Or to stop, pause, and ask for help.
ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) have a special set of characteristics you can read them all HERE and it’s a pretty interesting list, but for the moment, we’re talking about conflict. ACOA’s avoid conflict like the plague and have a fear of people in authority. Or people who are angry and we really truly, madly and deeply do NOT take criticism well. Sometimes ACOA’s will constantly seek approval of others, and lose themselves in the process. Often, they end up very isolated in a world where no one understands.
Ok, so that was a little dramatic, but you get my point. Go read the other characteristics, bundle of joys I tell you, but the list does go a long way towards explaining a lot of things.
People can end up not very good with conflict for a whole lot of reasons, you know? Being an ACOA doesn’t mean you get to blame your parents for the rest of your life. You can change. It starts with looking at yourself very closely.
There seem to be four basic types of Couples In Conflict (I feel like we need dramatic music here)
The first: Volatiles: They argue, they’re passionate, they seem to have fights all the time and they have totally AMAZING make-up sex. The pour the gasoline on the fire and then put it out.
Then we have the Vailidators: Calm and polite. They use phrases like “I know you’re trying..” and they work at being the others point of view, they work it out.
Moving on, here’s the Avoiders. They seldom argue, they accept differences, or let time work the heck out of the problems.
None of these are bad, just different styles of handling conflict because, hello? It’s going to happen when people get together.
The fourth type of conflict are the Hostiles. They, as my lecture mentioned “Illuminate the Four Horsemen of the Arguing Apocalypse” These would be: Criticism, Illegitimate Demands, Rebuffs and Cumulative Annoyances.
Depending on whom I am arguing (yes, I am going to spend the rest of the day pondering the use of the Who vs Whom) I am all of the first three. Different methods for different situations. I’d like to think I’m no longer Hostile, and that I’m recovered enough to be aware of it when I am. (and to make amends which is another topic entirely)
I can’t comment on how it works in relationships (Cue your job here, folks) but as I am surely PLANNING on being in one, here’s how it would look in Quiche’s perfect work, conflict-wise.
I’d use my I-Statements. Give feedback and seek information from my partner. Focus only on the situation at hand, specifically. And I already know better than thinking I have to “win”. I would think the purpose, in a relationship is to enhance and build up each other, bring you closer to the other person. I mean, you ARE each others person. You’re going to disagree, and how that gets handled is going to determine how things go between you.
I think the biggest thing a person can do, ACOA or otherwise, is to look at themselves first. Not how they’ve been wronged, or what the other’s fault is. No slipping into I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG. I mean, this other person has chosen YOU over all the other people in the world, to be with. That’s huge. And effectively communicating with that person is the greatest gift you can give them in return.
You know, reading this again, I’d date me. Who wouldn’t?
Now, how do you handle conflict in relationships? If you're not in one, want to date me?
