Here's the thing about this class that I didn't expect: I didn't expect to like it. I mean, I didn't think I would hate it, but I didn't expect that it would be as fun as it's turning out to be. Or as useful. In this weeks lesson I listened to the lectures, and read the applicable bits in the textbook but I approached the material with a rather Ho-hum, more psycho-stuff, one must needs learn it for Skool but it's hardly, you know, something one might use in real life.
Surprise. I enjoyed both Sternberg and Lee's love theories, but what got me was the third part of the lecture, and THIS we want to talk about here. I'll keep it simple, it is simple. And, as I mentioned, useful.
If you've had any Psych, you've seen THE STRANGE BABY. Ok, that's maybe not exactly what it's called. At any rate it's a video that talks about the different attachment styles kids have, and what all goes with them: Secure, Insecure/Ambivalent and Insecure/Avoidant. I've seen it in three classes now and have yet to get excited. But here's this:
Adults have attachment styles too. Yup, sure do. There's a lot to be said about how they're related to one's child attachment style, but for today's class, I think we'll just lay there out there and you can see where you fall. Or stand. I saw myself. Totally, and completely, and it went a long way towards explaining a lot of things, about me, and intimacy, or the lack thereof.
Adult attachment styles represent sets of expectations and beliefs about relationships, to quote our lecture. They tend to be stable, but here's this: They Can Change.
1. Secure. This is the good one. These people find it easy to become emotionally close, they're comfortable around other people, and being dependent on them. Or vis versa. They don't worry about being alone. They don't worry about others acceptance. In fact, they don't worry about much of anything, and waft around in a state of bliss (maybe I made that last bit up) They have a positive view of self, a high self esteem and a positive view of others. They have a good sense of self, and of how they are in their relationships. Nice, eh?
2. Insecure anxious/preoccupied. Competitive, emotionally intense, think this person is literally waiting by the phone for you to call, they will find someone, they are not at all happy being alone without a close relationship. They seek high levels of intimacy, and need approval and validation from their partners. The want attention and lots of it. Lots of public displays of affection, and are seriously afraid the other person is going to leave them.. They get overly dependent of others for happiness, and tend towards clingy. They want really badly to get intimate, but find sometimes that others aren't so quick to be intimate with them. Negative view of self, these ones. But a positive view of others. They might have a constant litany going on that tells them: I am not worthy of love, or of anyone's love, I'm not good enough so I'd better find someone and keep them.
3. Insecure dismissive/avoidant. These darlings are quite comfortable without a close attachment. They'll often deny even the need for intamacy. Being independent is first and foremost important to these people, they don't depend on anyone but themselves. They need to be self-sufficient. In everything. Loners, truly, but they claim to be happy that way. Less intimacy is fine with them, they don't want people to be dependent on them, for anything. Takes them a while to say I love you, if they ever do. They'll push you away before you push them, head's off any chance of rejection by distancing. They don't trust other are going to treat them right, so they don't have too great an opinion of them. They do have a nice opinion of themselves though. They'd like to date but aren't going to let themselves be vulnerable.
4. Insecure Fearful/Avoidant. These souls have a pretty mixed bag of feelings. They tend to think pretty low of themselves, and low of others. They desire to be intimate, but are really afraid of being hurt. They suppress their feelings. They have a lot of the same qualities as the anxious/preoccupied folks, but without the belief that either they or anyone else is much good. They're scared.
There you have it. Now, the good news is, if you're seeing yourself in one of these is that they can change. You have to work at it though. I'm going to paraphrase the lecture here because my teacher put it very beautifully:
Change the pattern:
Accept that change is a process.
Share your authentic self and the journey you're on.
Purposefully do something different.
Talk about where you've been.
And where you are going.
Act. On. Purpose.
Own where you've been.
Ditch "My parents screwed me up, or this is just where I am"
Confront that.
Look at yourself and see what you do.
And ask: What can I do about it?
And take a different action.
I see myself in #3. It has a name for my Style of intimacy (who knew I had one??) Insecure dismissive/avoidant. I see myself a lot. And clearly. Like, hello, this isn't book-learning, these are real things and facts. That was ME! (she say with a great deal of surprise! Who knew!?) And seeing now, and clearly, I can take some steps, and not sure I've said this before, but I'd like to. I want to move towards a secure attachment.
Has anyone else done this? Worked through it and gotten to secure? What helped? Do you see yourself here? Talk to me?
Intimately.
