Once upon a time there
was a man named Gary Chapman. He was a Doctor and a Pastor and a Relationship Counselor
too. And the thing he did that we
remember him for was identifying the Five Emotional Love Languages. Which are
actually pretty cool, so read on.
Here’s his most famous
quote, or at least something he believed in strongly:
“Of the countless ways
we can show love to on another, five key categories, or five love languages,
proved to be universal and comprehensive. Everyone has a love language.. And we
all identify primarily with just one of the five love languages: Words of
Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical
Touch.”
There’s actually a test
you can take to determine which one you are, if you are so inclined. THIS is the
version we used in Skool, or I found THIS one online. If you even just read
below I’m betting you will see one of these and think to your self, Hello
there, that sounds just like me!! Then go and take the test and see if you’re
right. It’s kind of fun and tells you a lot more than you’d think about
yourself. You can even share it with you’re partner and get a handle on just
what the heck is going on with them anyway.
NOTE: I DID NOT WRITE
THESE DESCRIPTIONS. I’m stealing them, because they’re perfect. As near as I
can figure, they come from Gary Chapman himself, and I don’t think he’d mind in
the least me sharing them with you here.
The basic idea is that everyone falls into one of these. And it will tell you a lot about yourself, and your partner, and how you or the express and give love.
Words of Affirmation:
You feel extremely loved
when your partner compliments you on the way you look or on things you have
done. You love his or her encouragement and verbal support and save their cards
and love notes as some of your most precious items. You are always filled with
such love when you receive a card he or she has written that expressed his or
her heartfelt love for you in his or her own little way – little poems he or
she might write, or if he or she call you spontaneously during the day to say,
“I love you”.
Acts of Service:
You feel so loved when
your partner does little things to help you. You always notice when he or she
is thoughtful and put him or herself out to assist you, even if you could do
those things yourself. There is such a sense of love and thankfulness you feel
when he or she does this.
Physical Touch:
You feel especially
loved when your partner touches you in loving ways. Whether it is a spontaneous
kiss, playful cuddle, or gentle, loving touch on the arm, you feel that touch
covey the love your partner feels. You don’t understand why people would prefer
to sit far apart on different chairs or couches, when they could be touching or
in each other’s arms. When walking together, you really enjoy your partner
reaching out to hold your hand, and you’d never say no to them giving you a
massage.
Quality Time:
There’s nothing that
makes you feel more loved than spending quality one-on-one time with the person
you love. Great conversation and eye contact, laughter, and just being together. While fancy gifts and
kindly spoken words are nice, you’d trade them any day for uninterrupted
“together” time. You love it when your partner’s mobile phone is turned off or
they sacrifice other important activities to spend time with you. Whether it’s
going to a fancy restaurant or just cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie
and laugh about it together, you’re happiest when you can share experiences
together.
Gift Giving
There’s nothing better
than receiving a thoughtful gift to make you feel loved in a relationship.
Whether it’s a single flower or something much more expensive, you love being
fussed over, spoiled, and thought of. The fact that your partner thought to
give you something is very meaningful to you.
See?
Kind of cool, aren’t they. My Primary Love Language is words of
affirmation. I love getting notes, or letters. I love it when someone I care
about says things to me like, that helped me, or I like what you do. I enjoy
getting random texts when people I love say, I was just thinking of you, or
something you said really helped me today. I don’t so much care about someone
saying how I look is nice, except it’s nice to hear when someone says they like
my outfit, as it generally means I’ve managed to dress appropriately for an
occasion, and I’ve remembered to wear, say, pants.
I also think I tend to express my love the same
way. I watched one of my best friends skate the other night, and even though
they lost, I still wanted to tell her she was awesome, wonderful and that
cheered for her and her team all the way. I left a note, in pink lipstick
actually, telling her these things, on her car for her to find when she came
out. It had hearts on it, like something a 12 year old would write. I love that
sort of thing, both getting and receiving.
Mind you, I don’t need to hear, oh darling I
love you so 24-7. My self esteem is pretty intact, but I do like hearing little
things, or when someone takes time to tell me they liked something I wrote, or
said. Or just look up, smiles and says, you’re awesome, you know?
Now, I don’t have a partner, but we’re working
up to it. I’m wondering this: Is it better to have a partner with the same love
style? Or a different one? If I marry a Writer, we could go back and forth with
poetry forever more, (possibly on notes written in pink lipstick) but maybe it
would be better to be with someone who liked performing Acts of Service. Might
up the chances of things getting done around the house.
Being with someone who had Quality Time as
their Love Style would be nice. Up to a point. You’d be together, and do things
together. I think this was actually my second highest score.
Physical touch would probably not be the best
fit for me. But again, who can say? That includes things like massage and we
all know how I feel about that. Also, who can turn down a hug? Anyone have any
feedback on being with a same love
style, or a different one?
My thoughts are simply this, and please do
remember I am not very good at this relationship things yet, and have no
experience. BUT, I think which ever you are it’s the showing that’s important.
Giving love, rather than thinking about receiving it. And communicating, which
is an entirely different post, but it bears saying.
How do people with different love styles
communicate? I think a person could go all Shelden Cooper on their partner and
say things like “Ah, you touched my arm, that is your way of showing love. Your
Love Style is Physical Touch. I see. Mine is Acts of Service, I shall now clean
the bathroom” but, that’s a little black and white.
You’d have to know tho, and be aware. And it
might be a good idea to get that right early on. Or a person could spend a
whole lot of time wondering.
You know, if they were loved.
