Love and Marriage: A Historical Fairy Tale

Listen closely, dears and I will tell you some things about long ago, that you may not have known. First off, in the olden days, and by olden I mean really olden, men and women did not marry for love. Nope. It wasn’t all Cave man drags women away, but we’ve all heard how the men would hunt, and the poor women would stay home and do pretty much nothing because of the kids.

Nice theory, but not exactly true. First off there was a lot of foraging to be done, and the women did most of that. In fact, women with kids did every bit as much as the women without. Men did too. It was way more important to figure out how to get veggies and grains and eggs than it was to hunt the wooly mammoth. We may have been mislead, those of us who read Clan of the Cave Bear. When they did go our hunting meat, everyone helped.

I am possibly late to the party here but Stephanie Coontz is a fantastic writer. She also appeared on the Colbert Report, which makes her a rock star in my book. (Of course I’ll link, she was awesome.) I like the way she writes. She’s entertaining, and has a lot of good points. Her book, “Marriage, A History” was selected as one of the best books of 2005, by the Washington Post, and contrary to most books one is forced to read in college, a wonderful read.

I’ve only read the first two chapters so far, as we’re getting it online in bits and pieces, but I’ve ordered the thing. She may be my new favorite author.

Did you know that for most of history it was inconceivable that men and women would choose their own mates? Or that marriage would be based on something so silly, fragile and fleeting and irrational as love? Of course you did, you’re a well read bunch.

We learn as well that in 12^th century France Andreas Capellanus wrote that “Marriage is no real excuse for not loving” only he wasn’t talking about inside of marriage, he meant adultery. Coontz also tells us that as late as the 18^th century a French essayist wrote that any man who was in love with his wife was a man so dull no one else could love him.

She talks about Pepys too, earning more of my esteem. I’ve read bits and pieces of Pepys (the man who wrote down everything) , Pepys married for love, only sadly, it ended badly and he wrote, after a night out at a musical concert that it “did stir my soul so it made him sick, just as I have been formally in love with my wife” Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, I think it means he came to his senses thinking how on earth could I have been so stupid to marry for something like love!?! He later disinherited his nephew for doing the same. Good ‘ol Pepys.

Historically, love was often seen as something that might come after marriage, but certainly not a good reason to marry. There were more important things going on like land, money, dowry, and parents (read: men) were thought to have a better idea of who youths should marry.

We in these modern times think that marriage should be based on love, soul mates, commitment, passion and so on and so forth. But this, my friends, is kind of a radical new idea. At least historically speaking.

Tell me some stories, what of love, what of marriage, I know you know history, and so, speak to me of strange and wonderful things, tales of adventure, and answer the question:

Does love have any place in marriage? Are we better off now that in those olden days?