Sunday, February 12, 2017

Love and Marriage: A Historical Fairy Tale


Listen closely, dears and I will tell you some things about long ago, that you may not have known. First off, in the olden days, and by olden I mean really olden, men and women did not marry for love. Nope. It wasn’t all Cave man drags women away, but we’ve all heard how the men would hunt, and the poor women would stay home and do pretty much nothing because of the kids.

Nice theory, but not exactly true. First off there was a lot of foraging to be done, and the women did most of that. In fact, women with kids did every bit as much as the women without. Men did too. It was way more important to figure out how to get veggies and grains and eggs than it was to hunt the wooly mammoth. We may have been mislead, those of us who read Clan of the Cave Bear. When they did go our hunting meat, everyone helped.

I am possibly late to the party here but Stephanie Coontz is a fantastic writer. She also appeared on the Colbert Report, which makes her a rock star in my book. (Of course I’ll link, she was awesome.) I like the way she writes. She’s entertaining, and has a lot of good points. Her book, “Marriage, A History” was selected as one of the best books of 2005, by the Washington Post, and contrary to most books one is forced to read in college, a wonderful read.

I’ve only read the first two chapters so far, as we’re getting it online in bits and pieces, but I’ve ordered the thing. She may be my new favorite author.

Did you know that for most of history it was inconceivable that men and women would choose their own mates? Or that marriage would be based on something so silly, fragile and fleeting and irrational as love? Of course you did, you’re a well read bunch.

We learn as well that in 12th century France Andreas Capellanus wrote that “Marriage is no real excuse for not loving” only he wasn’t talking about inside of marriage, he meant adultery. Coontz also tells us that as late as the 18th century a French essayist wrote that any man who was in love with his wife was a man so dull no one else could love him.

She talks about Pepys too, earning more of my esteem. I’ve read bits and pieces of Pepys (the man who wrote down everything) , Pepys married for love, only sadly, it ended badly and he wrote, after a night out at a musical concert that it “did stir my soul so it made him sick, just as I have been formally in love with my wife” Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, I think it means he came to his senses thinking how on earth could I have been so stupid to marry for something like love!?! He later disinherited his nephew for doing the same. Good ‘ol Pepys.

Historically, love was often seen as something that might come after marriage, but certainly not a good reason to marry. There were more important things going on like land, money, dowry, and parents (read: men) were thought to have a better idea of who youths should marry.

We in these modern times think that marriage should be based on love, soul mates, commitment, passion and so on and so forth. But this, my friends, is kind of a radical new idea. At least historically speaking.

Tell me some stories, what of love, what of marriage, I know you know history, and so, speak to me of strange and wonderful things, tales of adventure, and answer the question:


Does love have any place in marriage? Are we better off now that in those olden days?

9 comments:

  1. I think that before people didn't marry for love, they did marry for love. Only someone out there thought that marrying for love was lame-brained - Pepys? Maybe by about the 1400s they married to get some business advantage or political clout. But I think that was twisted. The happiest people I know are the ones who married for love, flying in the face of considerations of wealth or family expectations. They married for tenderness and caring and being on each other's side and being able to say what they really thought.

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  2. Love is splendid, and it is agonizing. Love is lovely, and it is wretched. And when it comes to marriage and partnership, it may be a place to start but it is far from being enough to sustain. On a day-to-day basis, my experience has been that it isn't what keeps things ticking; loyalty, respect, patience, perseverance, commonality and most especially forgiveness do the really heavy lifting. Love is what you fall back on when those things fail from overwork, and if they fail catastrophically, love won't be enough to save the day.

    Marrying for love is a grand idea, and those who manage to pull it off have my highest regard because I know that even the best marriages take work, but I'd bet a dollar to a donut that the ones that succeed have a lot more than love in their toolkits.

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  3. I love both of these, thank you!

    I wonder these days if we can imagine marrying without it. It seems to be the first thing. But it takes more than love to keep a marriage together. You can't float around in bliss forever, I would imagine.

    I like the bit you said, Kimberly, about the other things doing the heavy lifting, and falling back on love if they fail, and if they fail hugely, love isn't going to be enough. I've surely left people I loved very much.

    There were some interesting bits in our lecture too about mental and physical health being connected, and relationships affecting health, and health affecting relationships into sort of a bidirectional thing. Married people tended to be healthier, and divorce was hard. But also, sometimes if it was very bad, I would think , people were better off out of it.

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    1. I remember a guy at work saying that he would rather have his parents arrange his marriage because if the marriage failed, neither he nor the girl would have so much heartache.

      Plenty of people around the world still have their marriages arranged for them.

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  4. Agreed that it takes more than love to keep a marriage together. I'm not a great fan of marriage, my own failed attempt having been an unmitigated disaster. If love were left out of the equation there would perhaps be less heartbreak.

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  5. Oh my! Having married for love, 40+ years ago (astonishing, that, can't be true!)I can attest that love gets things started, but honesty, communication, laughter and forgiveness help them endure. The infatuation wears off, but the trust and history take over.

    And history, makes me note that this idea of Romantic Love was a big part of the Renaissance in much of Europe...and was mostly about admiring from afar, and longing songs, poems and missives. Also only from the privileged folks who weren't working 18 hours a day to survive.

    I 've read those studies about married people being healthier, and always wonder about the control groups. I suspect what really makes us healthier is daily interaction with others, who see and care about us. I doubt that legal marriage needs to be part of the picture. As I age, I am aware that seeing and interacting with people is what keeps my brain limber.

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  6. I don't know much about marriage, having never been married. I know what I see in others. I'm working now, in skool, and figuring this out.

    I think its true there would be less heartbreak without love. In the historical times, there was this idea of Romantic Love but it wasn't a part of ones marriage, it was for outside of it.

    I also wondered about this same thing, about the studies. And I agree. That daily connection with people we care about, and who care about us, is just as important, I think, than having that one person who we come home ot at night. Sometimes I think at the end of the day, after working all day and being in skool, how awesome it is to come home to no one. No one wants anything more of me, I can do what I want, lie around if I want. I don't have much left, and not sure how much I could give another at this time. My tolerance and patience would be at a low ebb.

    Dabbler, I liked your comment too about Infatuation wearing off but trust and history take over.

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  7. Some things I have learned through many relationships, both live-together and not, AND a 9-year marriage, include: Love, by itself, will not save a relationship or a marriage; one person doing all the work (whether it's housework or communication) is a bad recipe for a relationship; subconscious social programming can rear its ugly head and cause emotional and cognitive imbalances that could benefit from therapy (ie. financial success, gender roles, love style, property, ownership, etc.) There are pros and cons on both sides of the live-in vs. live alone relationship status, needs for togetherness and needs for silence to work out, and so much more.
    Love. Now that's a different bird entirely. Love is both a social construct and a biochemical response to pheromones, hormones, and the metaprogramming in our synapses and stored memory circuits. Love can be kindled and sustained, can die and waste away. It is more complex than we can conceive or understand, but as real as our instinct for survival - in which love plays a starring role.
    Thanks for the thought opportunity.

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  8. Love is fiddle and strong and knows no boundaries.
    Marriage is a contract and contracts have nothing to do with love.

    That the two intertwine is somehow perverse.
    We've all (I suppose) been told not to do business with family members or friends and yet, we are entering into contract with a loved one? Talk about reckless.

    Some reflections I went through when I got married: http://spacedlaw.livejournal.com/51982.html

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