Five Emotional Languages of Love

Once upon a time there was a man named Gary Chapman. He was a Doctor and a Pastor and a Relationship Counselor too.  And the thing he did that we remember him for was identifying the Five Emotional Love Languages. Which are actually pretty cool, so read on.

Here’s his most famous quote, or at least something he believed in strongly:

“Of the countless ways we can show love to on another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive. Everyone has a love language.. And we all identify primarily with just one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.”

There’s actually a test you can take to determine which one you are, if you are so inclined. THIS is the version we used in Skool, or I found THIS one online. If you even just read below I’m betting you will see one of these and think to your self, Hello there, that sounds just like me!! Then go and take the test and see if you’re right. It’s kind of fun and tells you a lot more than you’d think about yourself. You can even share it with you’re partner and get a handle on just what the heck is going on with them anyway.

NOTE: I DID NOT WRITE THESE DESCRIPTIONS. I’m stealing them, because they’re perfect. As near as I can figure, they come from Gary Chapman himself, and I don’t think he’d mind in the least me sharing them with you here.

The basic idea is that everyone falls into one of these. And it will tell you a lot about yourself, and your partner, and how you or the express and give love.

Words of Affirmation:

You feel extremely loved when your partner compliments you on the way you look or on things you have done. You love his or her encouragement and verbal support and save their cards and love notes as some of your most precious items. You are always filled with such love when you receive a card he or she has written that expressed his or her heartfelt love for you in his or her own little way – little poems he or she might write, or if he or she call you spontaneously during the day to say, “I love you”.

Acts of Service:

You feel so loved when your partner does little things to help you. You always notice when he or she is thoughtful and put him or herself out to assist you, even if you could do those things yourself. There is such a sense of love and thankfulness you feel when he or she does this.

Physical Touch:

You feel especially loved when your partner touches you in loving ways. Whether it is a spontaneous kiss, playful cuddle, or gentle, loving touch on the arm, you feel that touch covey the love your partner feels. You don’t understand why people would prefer to sit far apart on different chairs or couches, when they could be touching or in each other’s arms. When walking together, you really enjoy your partner reaching out to hold your hand, and you’d never say no to them giving you a massage.

Quality Time:

There’s nothing that makes you feel more loved than spending quality one-on-one time with the person you love. Great conversation and eye contact, laughter, and just being together. While fancy gifts and kindly spoken words are nice, you’d trade them any day for uninterrupted “together” time. You love it when your partner’s mobile phone is turned off or they sacrifice other important activities to spend time with you. Whether it’s going to a fancy restaurant or just cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie and laugh about it together, you’re happiest when you can share experiences together.

Gift Giving

There’s nothing better than receiving a thoughtful gift to make you feel loved in a relationship. Whether it’s a single flower or something much more expensive, you love being fussed over, spoiled, and thought of. The fact that your partner thought to give you something is very meaningful to you.

See? Kind of cool, aren’t they. My Primary Love Language is words of affirmation. I love getting notes, or letters. I love it when someone I care about says things to me like, that helped me, or I like what you do. I enjoy getting random texts when people I love say, I was just thinking of you, or something you said really helped me today. I don’t so much care about someone saying how I look is nice, except it’s nice to hear when someone says they like my outfit, as it generally means I’ve managed to dress appropriately for an occasion, and I’ve remembered to wear, say, pants.

I also think I tend to express my love the same way. I watched one of my best friends skate the other night, and even though they lost, I still wanted to tell her she was awesome, wonderful and that cheered for her and her team all the way. I left a note, in pink lipstick actually, telling her these things, on her car for her to find when she came out. It had hearts on it, like something a 12 year old would write. I love that sort of thing, both getting and receiving.

Mind you, I don’t need to hear, oh darling I love you so 24-7. My self esteem is pretty intact, but I do like hearing little things, or when someone takes time to tell me they liked something I wrote, or said. Or just look up, smiles and says, you’re awesome, you know?

Now, I don’t have a partner, but we’re working up to it. I’m wondering this: Is it better to have a partner with the same love style? Or a different one? If I marry a Writer, we could go back and forth with poetry forever more, (possibly on notes written in pink lipstick) but maybe it would be better to be with someone who liked performing Acts of Service. Might up the chances of things getting done around the house.

Being with someone who had Quality Time as their Love Style would be nice. Up to a point. You’d be together, and do things together. I think this was actually my second highest score.

Physical touch would probably not be the best fit for me. But again, who can say? That includes things like massage and we all know how I feel about that. Also, who can turn down a hug? Anyone have any feedback on being with  a same love style, or a different one?

My thoughts are simply this, and please do remember I am not very good at this relationship things yet, and have no experience. BUT, I think which ever you are it’s the showing that’s important. Giving love, rather than thinking about receiving it. And communicating, which is an entirely different post, but it bears saying.

How do people with different love styles communicate? I think a person could go all Shelden Cooper on their partner and say things like “Ah, you touched my arm, that is your way of showing love. Your Love Style is Physical Touch. I see. Mine is Acts of Service, I shall now clean the bathroom” but, that’s a little black and white.

You’d have to know tho, and be aware. And it might be a good idea to get that right early on. Or a person could spend a whole lot of time wondering.

You know, if they were loved.