Blog Audit Expansion 1: The Adventure Begins

In lieu of expanding a blog and including previous material, I would like to start from scratch and expand on a subject. I shall do a whole new entry.  I mentioned the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse in my first entry and always meant to come back and explore it further. This never happened over all ten entries, so let’s have some fun and take a look at these wild horses now.

The origin of the phase appears to be mostly Biblical but I ran out of patience four websites in. If there’s one thing you can be certain of with all things Biblical, it’s that everyone has their own interpretation. In short, there may be four horsemen showing up, on white, red black and pale horses. These have cute names like “Conquest”, “War”, “Famine” and “Death” respectively. Not my little pony at all. They’ll apparently start tally-ho’ing about and this shall herald the beginning of the end of all. Nothing you can do, complete and total end of the world as we know it.

Here in modern times we use them as a metaphor for anything that signals an end. For a truly fantastic read try page 151, paragraph 2 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s a chapter called “A Vision for You” and it most assuredly is, Four Horsemen and all. But I digress.  For our purposes we’re going to talk about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in regards to relationships. They are, in short: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Once they come clippty-clopping in, you can pretty much admit defeat and throw in the towel right there.

The idea of the Four Horsemen of Relationships was the brainchild of John Gottman. One of his more famous moments was when he famously said “I can predict if a couple is going to get divorced or not by spending 3 minutes with them” Or something very close to that. He knew and understood a lot about relationships.

Let’s start with criticism. This isn’t complaining. Complaining is different, we all complain at times. An example of a complaint might be: I was worried when you didn’t call and let me know you were staying late at work, I woke in the night and you weren’t home” Criticizing would go a little more like this: “YOU STUPID ASS, you never think of anyone else, you’re so selfish and you never care what I’m feeling” Sometimes couples do criticize each other, and they are critical. That’s ok. If done with love, and not fear. People need to be careful however, because this horse is the one that opens the paddock gate for all the others to come trotting out. One this horse come around it also takes on cat like qualities, in that if you feed it, it will come back for more. And will come back more often. People who are feeling rejected and hurt often retaliate. Creatures protect themselves.

Contempt is sometimes thought of as the most deadly of the bucking broncos. It will throw you right off, and you’ll land hard. Think Mean Girls. This is about disrespect, mocking, sarcasm, ridicule. And a few more things. I like to call it Crush Them Like a Bug. And anyone who has been on the receiving end knows it makes a person feel pretty much worthless. You can’t ride this horse, not for long. In Mexico the call it Loco Caballo, the crazy horse. There’s no riding contempt either.

The next horsie we’ll see that we don’t want to hop on is defensiveness. Everyone gets defensive but we all know that person, or possibly have been in a relationship with this person who takes every single remark personally and defensively. There’s always a reason and it’s never their fault. I’m wondering if as a society people have become too defensive, too accustomed to having to defend their positions? I can tell you that people tend to get really surprised when you own up to something, and own their own faults. Sometimes the accusation is something that we need to defend, we might feel accused unjustly. We might try and find a way to make the other back off. This almost never works, and relationships are work.

The fourth horse is Stonewalling. Like the jumper who gallops up to the wall and refuses the fence. Stop. Dead. Nada. Ain’t going to do it, and there’s not much you can do. It’s when one person withdraws, and closes off. I think too there are degrees, it takes a lotof time for the first three horses to get in the way, but things build up when they aren’t dealt with. Stonewalling is closing the barn door after they’ve left. Chances are one of you is done. It may even seem at this point in the relationship like this is the only way to deal with the situation. Sometimes the person stonewalling simply can’t move, can’t talk and can’t quite literally, handle the emotions. The river has flooded.

How then do we saddle up and ride into the sunset? Hand in hand with our partner? Home on the range? There are some ways to avoid falling into the manure pile, or things you can change in yourself, to get out of it. You will need ot remember that change takes work.

Dismounting criticism: Use your I-statements. Complain without blame. Ask yourself if you’re starting every sentence with YOU…Start instead with I feel. Use a gentle start up, ease into a thing that needs changing. Slow down with it.

Reining in defensiveness: Accept responsibility, even if only in part. Chances are you might be a little to blame, and even if you aren’t, find something that gives the other a chance to own up some to. When people feel attacked they defend, but being defensive isn’t going to solve the problem. Dial it back a little.

Curry contempt: You have to get rid of this. If you don’t, it’s over. If you’re feeling that way about your, start with trying to find things you like. Anything really at this point, and put it out there. Go for the positive. Hurting someone isn’t going to help and you might just try and see what you can do to make them feel better about themselves and not worse. What’s needed is a culture of appreciation.

Stabling Stonewalling:  Take a break if you’re feeling flooded, or if you can’t respond. Say something really obvious like, hey I need a break, or I have to think for a moment, or how’s about I walk the dog, get some air, then we’ll talk some more. All of these will help. And when you’re dealing as a couple with the four horses, anything you can do to help is going to be good. You aren’t perfect, and you aren’t a victim, avoid acting like it.

I think to make a relationship work a person needs to work on themselves, and take a constant inventory. Asking oneself questions like, where was I wrong, what can I do better, was I responding out of love or fear, what are my defects of character are all good places to start.

Remembering that you love each other and that it’s about both of you is good too. People aren’t perfect and you’re just as dumb as the next person. Growth is hard, and change is hard. 

But you can ride the white horse.