We had a lecture this week on Conflict Resolution within couple relationships. Or anyone, really. And I started thinking about myself (we call it “reflecting” and here in Family Studies Skool we do this ALL THE TIME) and how I handle conflict. It reminded me of something the wise and wonderful Betsy Stemple once said, when we were roommates. She said:
When we fight, you and I, or Adam and I, we’re having a fight about did you take out the trash, or what are you doing, and it it means THAT is what we’re arguing over. It doesn’t mean: Do I love you, do you love me. Growing up in an alcoholic household fights were always about something else, and you never knew exactly what. It’s not like that with normal people. We disagree, we argue. But we still love each other and it’s never going to be about that.
Changed everything for me, I can tell you that.
I think when one grows up with an alcoholic, conflict is deadly. You never do know exactly what you did wrong, or what the reason people were suddenly angry with you was. There’s a few different ways adult children of alcoholics handle conflict when grown, and if one is lucky, or learns, it’s healthily. We need to learn to think, chill, and laugh. Or to stop, pause, and ask for help.
ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) have a special set of characteristics you can read them all HERE and it’s a pretty interesting list, but for the moment, we’re talking about conflict. ACOA’s avoid conflict like the plague and have a fear of people in authority. Or people who are angry and we really truly, madly and deeply do NOT take criticism well. Sometimes ACOA’s will constantly seek approval of others, and lose themselves in the process. Often, they end up very isolated in a world where no one understands.
Ok, so that was a little dramatic, but you get my point. Go read the other characteristics, bundle of joys I tell you, but the list does go a long way towards explaining a lot of things.
People can end up not very good with conflict for a whole lot of reasons, you know? Being an ACOA doesn’t mean you get to blame your parents for the rest of your life. You can change. It starts with looking at yourself very closely.
There seem to be four basic types of Couples In Conflict (I feel like we need dramatic music here)
The first: Volatiles: They argue, they’re passionate, they seem to have fights all the time and they have totally AMAZING make-up sex. The pour the gasoline on the fire and then put it out.
Then we have the Vailidators: Calm and polite. They use phrases like “I know you’re trying..” and they work at being the others point of view, they work it out.
Moving on, here’s the Avoiders. They seldom argue, they accept differences, or let time work the heck out of the problems.
None of these are bad, just different styles of handling conflict because, hello? It’s going to happen when people get together.
The fourth type of conflict are the Hostiles. They, as my lecture mentioned “Illuminate the Four Horsemen of the Arguing Apocalypse” These would be: Criticism, Illegitimate Demands, Rebuffs and Cumulative Annoyances.
Depending on whom I am arguing (yes, I am going to spend the rest of the day pondering the use of the Who vs Whom) I am all of the first three. Different methods for different situations. I’d like to think I’m no longer Hostile, and that I’m recovered enough to be aware of it when I am. (and to make amends which is another topic entirely)
I can’t comment on how it works in relationships (Cue your job here, folks) but as I am surely PLANNING on being in one, here’s how it would look in Quiche’s perfect work, conflict-wise.
I’d use my I-Statements. Give feedback and seek information from my partner. Focus only on the situation at hand, specifically. And I already know better than thinking I have to “win”. I would think the purpose, in a relationship is to enhance and build up each other, bring you closer to the other person. I mean, you ARE each others person. You’re going to disagree, and how that gets handled is going to determine how things go between you.
I think the biggest thing a person can do, ACOA or otherwise, is to look at themselves first. Not how they’ve been wronged, or what the other’s fault is. No slipping into I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG. I mean, this other person has chosen YOU over all the other people in the world, to be with. That’s huge. And effectively communicating with that person is the greatest gift you can give them in return.
You know, reading this again, I’d date me. Who wouldn’t?
Now, how do you handle conflict in relationships? If you're not in one, want to date me?
My (ex) husband and I were both avoiders - this is all very well, but it meant for us that we never actually learned to talk to each other about problems, we just swept them all under the carpet. We were together from 20, so it became a habit. So, when things became bad, we had no way to work them out. It took me a couple of relationships since then to work out that arguing doesn't mean the end of the world, and it's ok to be angry and disagree without it meaning a lack of love. I still have a tendency to avoid but I work hard to consciously not do that. My current partner and I are invariably stronger together after we've navigated something conflict-y
ReplyDeleteI would characterize the conflict type of my partner and I as somewhere along a continuum between validator and avoider. When we argue, we're good about using "I" statements, trying to understand the other's perspective and find a solution that works for both of us, but I think it takes fairly strong feelings on one side or the other to get us to argue.
ReplyDeleteMy mother is the child of someone who abused alcohol, and she definitely exhibits some of the hallmarks of ACOA, so reading your post was very interesting. Unfortunately, I think I learned some maladaptive behaviors from her that it has taken time, therapy, and discussions with friends and my partner to start to change. I don't avoid conflict the way I used to, the way I learned to, but having arguments still takes a TON of emotional energy out of me. What your friend said also really resonates with me.
Thanks for this post!
My parents were alternately volatile and hostile. During my first marriage, I was the same until the ex beat it out of me. In my current marriage (16 years and going strong!), my husband and I rotate between validating and avoiding. (Confession time: I'm still a hostile very occasionally, but he--to his everlasting benefit--doesn't engage in that way, so my storms blow out pretty quickly.) I have to say, I really appreciate the conflict resolution we have now--one or the other usually realizes that they've been unreasonable and apologizes. I used to be terrified when we'd argue, but now, from the safety of our deep and passionate commitment to each other, I know it's not going to be the end of the world. (Yeah, I have a good one, and I'm keeping him forever.)
ReplyDeleteMy parents were alcoholics, and I learned how to be an avoider until things got so bad that I'd blow up. I ended up going to a lot of support group meetings and counseling and such and realized that I was addicted to the rollercoaster of emotions I was having through conflict and always being in crisis mode for different reasons (which mirrors my childhood). I really started working on myself, and in the end my relationship at that time ended because he was still in avoider mode and wouldn't really work on communication, and I'd figured out how to take time to figure out how I feel and de-escalate myself enough to be more of a validator. My next relationship after that was short lived because that person was also an avoider and an alcoholic, and when I tried discussing my feelings on his alcoholism, he ghosted (after a few months of dating). Now, I'm happily single with a dog in tow, so we'll see how it goes as I date more.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting how we learn as kids reflects our styles when we get older. I mean, it's obvious it does, but something as simple as learning conflict resolution. So much of our styles now are influenced by what we learned then.
ReplyDeleteI never thought much about it, until recently. How do I argue? How do I handle conflict? I get scared, I think.
I will say it's gotten easier, stepping back, looking at my part in things, using I statements, considering the other person and their point of view. Not having to win. All of it.
I also think that when you don't learn this as a child, you need to as an adult. You can't hang out saying "It was my parents, it's their fault, I never learned, they taught us" your entire life. As some point you have to learn and take responsibility as an adult.98iukjhn
I am totally an avoider. I am working on that but there is much ingrained (my mum is one too).
ReplyDeleteWhen you say "You never do know exactly what you did wrong, or what the reason people were suddenly angry with you was" as applied to growing up in an alcoholic family, I would like to reassure you that this applies to a lot of people who don't drink (or drink moderately) as well.
People will gather stress during the day (emotional pain), then go home and take it out on their partner for reasons that have often very little in common with what is really bugging them. People who are in physical pain are also prone to fly out at other persons for the silliest of reasons.