Intimacy Poisons

This week we talked about Intimacy Poisons, specifically: Alcohol. It could be any drug, though. Remember the PSA from some years ago? About the Elephant in the Room? The whole family was trying to go about their lives and there was this elephant walking around and no one wanted to mention it. But it was there, and creating huge chaos, destroying everything, trumpeting about and killing people in the process.

Ok, so maybe all that didn’t happen in the PSA. It just sort of walked around, but I’m right on the reality of what alcohol or drugs do to a family.

It’s hard for family members to talk about. When you’re a child, you don’t get it. When your a partner of someone going through this it’s uncomfortable, and painful. You can’t much maintain emotional distance. You want to say things like: Why are you doing this to me? Or Can’t you just stop? 

Our lecture talked about 2/3 of adults drinking alcohol, and 1/3 reported drinking causing family problems, and also that 10% of adults meet the criteria for alcohol dependence. It didn’t mention that those 10% buy 90% of all alcohol sold in the US. But it’s true.

I think one of the biggest problems for families dealing with this is that really seriously weird things become normal. The fact that your partner is drinking all the time, or that you need to manage them when you go out because they’ll be too drunk to function, or you have to start deciding when as a couple you’re going to drink. It becomes kind of an Addiction Dance, with one person generally becoming over functioning.

For kids I think it’s that the parent leaves. I don’t mean physically, but emotionally, they aren’t there anymore. And they react in ways that you don’t understand. You get in trouble for things that are either minor, or you don’t understand. Kids pull back emotionally after a while. 

Alcohol dependence, or alcoholism as it used to be called is the only disease people get mad at a person for having. Think about that. I’m looking a lot at myself in this class, and my own fear of intimacy with people. All things that started in childhood. BUT, I am also a big proponent of I’m an adult now, and responsible for my own feelings and emotions and can change. 

On the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization site there’s a handy Laundry List of 14 traits Adult Children have in common, generally. It’s pretty interesting, but there’s also a Flip Side of the Laundry List, which as a person in recovery from both family alcohol use AND my own, I really liked. In fact, I wanted to stand up and cheer.

The Flip Side goes like this:

We move out of isolation, and are not unrealistically afraid of people, even authority figures.

We do not depend of others to tell us who we are.

We are not automatically frightened by angry people, and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat.

We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment.

We stop living life as victims.

We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings.

We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves.

We avoid emotional intoxication and choose workable relationships instead of constant upset.

We are able to distinguish love form pity.

We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods, and regain the ability to feel and express emotions.

We stop judging ourselves and discover a sense of self worth.

We grow independent and are not terrified of abandonment.

We are dealing with out own alcoholic (or para-alcoholic) selves.

We are actors, not reactors.

As I said, this was a flip side Laundry List for ACOA’s, but I think that we can apply this to anyone who is in a relationship with an addicted person. I see it so many times, perhaps especially in women involved with alcoholic men. Men, with alcoholic wives too though, thinking on it. That walking on eggshells, trying to manage the drinking, the wet and dry periods. Also the anger. Also the helplessness.

What do you think? What’s it like being in a relationship with someone on drugs, or who is drinking? Did you grow up that way? Are you now? And remember, you can comment anonymously, please. I know it’s hard. I want to know your experience, sharing mine helps me, and hearing yours helps me more.

Tell me your story.

What Happens When We Fight?

We had a lecture this week on Conflict Resolution within couple relationships. Or anyone, really. And I started thinking about myself (we call it “reflecting” and here in Family Studies Skool we do this ALL THE TIME) and how I handle conflict. It reminded me of something the wise and wonderful Betsy Stemple once said, when we were roommates. She said:

When we fight, you and I, or Adam and I, we’re having a fight about did you take out the trash, or what are you doing, and it it means THAT is what we’re arguing over. It doesn’t mean: Do I love you, do you love me. Growing up in an alcoholic household fights were always about something else, and you never knew exactly what. It’s not like that with normal people. We disagree, we argue. But we still love each other and it’s never going to be about that.

Changed everything for me, I can tell you that. 

I think when one grows up with an alcoholic, conflict is deadly. You never do know exactly what you did wrong, or what the reason people were suddenly angry with you was. There’s a few different ways adult children of alcoholics handle conflict when grown, and if one is lucky, or learns, it’s healthily. We need to learn to think, chill, and laugh. Or to stop, pause, and ask for help.

ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) have a special set of characteristics you can read them all HERE and it’s a pretty interesting list, but for the moment, we’re talking about conflict. ACOA’s avoid conflict like the plague and have a fear of people in authority. Or people who are angry and we really truly, madly and deeply do NOT take criticism well. Sometimes ACOA’s will constantly seek approval of others, and lose themselves in the process. Often, they end up very isolated in a world where no one understands.

Ok, so that was a little dramatic, but you get my point. Go read the other characteristics, bundle of joys I tell you, but the list does go a long way towards explaining a lot of things.

People can end up not very good with conflict for a whole lot of reasons, you know? Being an ACOA doesn’t mean you get to blame your parents for the rest of your life. You can change. It starts with looking at yourself very closely.

There seem to be four basic types of Couples In Conflict (I feel like we need dramatic music here)

The first: Volatiles: They argue, they’re passionate, they seem to have fights all the time and they have totally AMAZING make-up sex. The pour the gasoline on the fire and then put it out.

Then we have the Vailidators: Calm and polite. They use phrases like “I know you’re trying..” and they work at being the others point of view, they work it out.

Moving on, here’s the Avoiders. They seldom argue, they accept differences, or let time work the heck out of the problems.

None of these are bad, just different styles of handling conflict because, hello? It’s going to happen when people get together.

The fourth type of conflict are the Hostiles. They, as my lecture mentioned “Illuminate the Four Horsemen of the Arguing Apocalypse” These would be: Criticism, Illegitimate Demands, Rebuffs and Cumulative Annoyances.

Depending on whom I am arguing (yes, I am going to spend the rest of the day pondering the use of the Who vs Whom) I am all of the first three. Different methods for different situations. I’d like to think I’m no longer Hostile, and that I’m recovered enough to be aware of it when I am. (and to make amends which is another topic entirely)

I can’t comment on how it works in relationships (Cue your job here, folks) but as I am surely PLANNING on being in one, here’s how it would look in Quiche’s perfect work, conflict-wise.

I’d use my I-Statements. Give feedback and seek information from my partner. Focus only on the situation at hand, specifically. And I already know better than thinking I have to “win”. I would think the purpose, in a relationship is to enhance and build up each other, bring you closer to the other person. I mean, you ARE each others person. You’re going to disagree, and how that gets handled is going to determine how things go between you.

I think the biggest thing a person can do, ACOA or otherwise, is to look at themselves first. Not how they’ve been wronged, or what the other’s fault is. No slipping into I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG. I mean, this other person has chosen YOU over all the other people in the world, to be with. That’s huge. And effectively communicating with that person is the greatest gift you can give them in return.

You know, reading this again, I’d date me. Who wouldn’t?

Now, how do you handle conflict in relationships? If you're not in one, want to date me?

Why I want to marry an Alcoholic

In Skool today we had to write a discussion post on "What are YOUR non-negotiables? What are you not willing to budge on when looking for a mate?" And I wrote a post but it was too long and so I thought, hells, let's blog and put it out there. Expand the thing. So, here you go:

I’m pretty flexible. There are quite a few things I’d be willing to compromise on and aren’t deal-breakers. Like race, income level, profession, religion, what the heck you look like, even man vs woman. There are things I’d like in a person, being Spanish speaking would be a bonus, or a writer. I think being with me would require an open mind and a really good sense of humor and a lot of patience. Probably mostly patience, I'm really not good at this, yet, and have no experience. I actually made a list about 6 months ago, which is dangerous, because if you do that, it’s likely your person will show up. It was a long list.

But there is one thing I’m pretty sure is non-negotiable.

I want an alcoholic.

I know. Not something many people consider an asset when looking for a mate. More specifically, I want an alcoholic in recovery. Because that’s what I am and it’s such a huge part of who I am, and it’s not a part that’s going to go away. 

I don’t want to come off sounding like the poster child for AA, but the program works for me. It’s shaped who I am, how I react to the world, and how I try to get along in the world. Mind you there's AA and there's AA and there are meetings and oh dear god there are meetings and not in a good way. If anyone reading this hasn't had a good experience with AA, I'm sorry for that, all I can suggest is try another meeting, find your people. I can promise you: They're there. Also, if you have another way, more power to you, go for it, and fly free. Recovery is unique to every person. This is about me.

We had a part of our lecture where our  Professor talked Projection Dances. Let me give you the short version: Three ways people fuck up relationships. Pursuer/Distancer, Over-functioning/Under-functioning, Submissive/Dominant (don't EVEN go there, or do if you must but keep it to a giggle) I think most people at various times can mess up their relationships, but if I might brag a little: We alcoholics are AWESOME at it.

But she also talked about Transforming Dances. Meaning you can change how you go about things with others. Self focus rather than other focus, naming the pattern, survey the emotional field, what is the fear. I thought listening that, hey, this is right out of AA. It’s what we do every day. Clean up our side of the street and don’t worry about if the other person is right or wrong (Step 9) and going thru naming all the resentments and look for patterns (Step 4) identify ways you control fear by controlling people around you (Step 5) Naming your fears, practicing the opposite (Step 6 and 7 right there) Then the section wound up suggesting with the Serenity Prayer, which AA’s say ALL THE FREAKING TIME. 

There’s a lot more to it, but you get the idea. Being with someone who understands that spirituality (not religion) is the basis of who we are is the most important thing. Someone in the program, in recovery, would get that. My primary purpose is indeed spiritual growth, and I can’t have all the other things I love and value in life if I don’t have that first. I want that in another person.

I think too that having another person in recovery around would be handy as well, for those times I get seriously wrong and off the rails. They wouldn't have to ask, "What the heck is wrong with her?" It's likely they'd know. It's also likely they wouldn't take it personally, but gently (or not so gently) suggest I call my Sponsor or get myself to a meeting.

It’s hard much of the time, and it sucks much of the time, this being alcoholic. And I can tell you for a fact that a person who has had to quit drinking has been through a battle. A person in recovery knows about that battle. And is willing to look at themselves, be honest about themselves, and to be honest with another person. Or at least they are willing (key word there) to wake up every morning and try.

That’s why I want an alcoholic. The kind in recovery.

Love and Marriage: A Historical Fairy Tale

Listen closely, dears and I will tell you some things about long ago, that you may not have known. First off, in the olden days, and by olden I mean really olden, men and women did not marry for love. Nope. It wasn’t all Cave man drags women away, but we’ve all heard how the men would hunt, and the poor women would stay home and do pretty much nothing because of the kids.

Nice theory, but not exactly true. First off there was a lot of foraging to be done, and the women did most of that. In fact, women with kids did every bit as much as the women without. Men did too. It was way more important to figure out how to get veggies and grains and eggs than it was to hunt the wooly mammoth. We may have been mislead, those of us who read Clan of the Cave Bear. When they did go our hunting meat, everyone helped.

I am possibly late to the party here but Stephanie Coontz is a fantastic writer. She also appeared on the Colbert Report, which makes her a rock star in my book. (Of course I’ll link, she was awesome.) I like the way she writes. She’s entertaining, and has a lot of good points. Her book, “Marriage, A History” was selected as one of the best books of 2005, by the Washington Post, and contrary to most books one is forced to read in college, a wonderful read.

I’ve only read the first two chapters so far, as we’re getting it online in bits and pieces, but I’ve ordered the thing. She may be my new favorite author.

Did you know that for most of history it was inconceivable that men and women would choose their own mates? Or that marriage would be based on something so silly, fragile and fleeting and irrational as love? Of course you did, you’re a well read bunch.

We learn as well that in 12^th century France Andreas Capellanus wrote that “Marriage is no real excuse for not loving” only he wasn’t talking about inside of marriage, he meant adultery. Coontz also tells us that as late as the 18^th century a French essayist wrote that any man who was in love with his wife was a man so dull no one else could love him.

She talks about Pepys too, earning more of my esteem. I’ve read bits and pieces of Pepys (the man who wrote down everything) , Pepys married for love, only sadly, it ended badly and he wrote, after a night out at a musical concert that it “did stir my soul so it made him sick, just as I have been formally in love with my wife” Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, I think it means he came to his senses thinking how on earth could I have been so stupid to marry for something like love!?! He later disinherited his nephew for doing the same. Good ‘ol Pepys.

Historically, love was often seen as something that might come after marriage, but certainly not a good reason to marry. There were more important things going on like land, money, dowry, and parents (read: men) were thought to have a better idea of who youths should marry.

We in these modern times think that marriage should be based on love, soul mates, commitment, passion and so on and so forth. But this, my friends, is kind of a radical new idea. At least historically speaking.

Tell me some stories, what of love, what of marriage, I know you know history, and so, speak to me of strange and wonderful things, tales of adventure, and answer the question:

Does love have any place in marriage? Are we better off now that in those olden days?